I think I just lost 2 or 3 hours of studying... 

I have an exam today. im not even close to done studying.
im too busy crying and hoping and wishing and praying. 

I keep praying ... God this hurts

and I'm scared. Im sorry I havent trusted you whole heartedly.
Im sorry I haven't fully handed things over to you.

Please give me the strength to get up. please...

.............

5 in the morning and im still up trying to study after all this -

my face is filled with tears
as each drip
as each drop
crawls
falls
down this tired face of mine.
And I cry and I cry
Hoping
Wishing
Praying
Because I'm lost
I'm scared
Terrified- because I dont want to lose you
And no matter how many words I speak
No matter how many times i take my heart and place it out for you to see
You stare. stare. blink . stare.
Leaving my heart cold -it has pneumonia now
Tissue after tissue after tissue .
I cry out for Him to help you
To save you
To save myself- from nothing more than myself.
To help you forgive .
To strip the bitterness from your being
Lift your heart from the disease its been tainted with...
A disease I gave you.

I got you sick
And now I'm sick.
But I'd rather have God place your illness on me.
Id rather take that hit...
---------------------------

im  not done with this piece. im too tired and still need to study.

________________________________________________

Gods testing you and youre failing miserably.
Then again it doesnt matter because when i brought Him up you said
""dont give me that shit"

You are blinded by your past. You are blinded and you can't look.
I put my hand out there to fix the wrong i've done and you look at me
With a blank stare
Because all I am to you is
A label
A regret
And nothing more.
I am everything you wish you never came across
I am the person you wish you were never there for
The person who has hurt you
And im hurting myself...
I am a regret
A regret
A regret
That has caused you nothing but
Hate
Bitterness
Anger
Animosity
I am the embodiment of what you no longer adore

But I am my own being
I am human
And I am
I am
I am
this frail
fragile girl
Seeking for help in Him
Praying ,  begging , asking for help
Because I have never been more lost
Than that time before
I feel the knife deep in me
I feel the acid in my eyes
And the weakness in my knees.
And I fall to the floor because I have no where to go
And I raise my hand and ask Him
To lift me
To raise me
Because I am so down below.
I am so deep in
Knowing you wont lift me up anymore
Knowing that if I drown, you would watch
If I bruised, you would hope I bruised some moer
That if I disappeared
You would never try to find me
Because I am nothing more
Nothing more than that label you put out for me.

I am
I am
I am - 

just waiting.
________________________-

I over heard a woman behind me talking at the train station telling her friend that
"he told me he always loved me..And he married her as a rebound. He couldnt see me because everytime he did , it hurt him so he ignored me. You know... people should never let go of the one they love"

and i just about almost cried.
it caught up to me anyways on the train.

You keep telling me im doing SO FINE.
When I keep telling you youre doing SO FINE
So if I was doing fine... why do i still cry at night?
Why do i think about you night and day
And when I go out, why do you still cross my mind.
If I was fine, why do i still text you good morning i love you
I love you, goodnight.
If I was JUST SO DAMN FINE, why do I still see you and only you

Because you're lying to yourself.
You are lying to your self
Clearly...
I have done nothing
These past 3 months... have been you
And only you .
I have taken my hands off the wheel from day 1
So you are blind not because of me

You are blind because of you.

______________________________

My knuckes are bruised. they fuckin hurt .

what the hell is new.

im afraid of failure.
but if ive already failed time and time again
how is it that im still afraid?
Isnt that how you conquer your fear? to face it head on?

this shit makes no sense.

__________

I came across someones xanga.. everything on there just made me speechless, especially the song she has playing in the background. It is now the song of the moment. It's something I really needed...

"I've lost some joy, I've lost some time
Now it feels like I will lose my mind
Journeyed long and lost my way
And now it feels like I've lost is all I say

Searching here and over there for what 've lost
Where is it, I don't know
I will find a way

I will find a way to lift up my hands
And I will find a way to worship You Lord
And though my heart is low, I'll find a way to give You praise
I'll find a way to love You more

I've lost so much down through the years
It seems that all I find here lately is a face so full of tears
I search each dark and empty place
The peace I used to know, somehow I have misplaced

Searching here and over there for the things lost
I don't have them anymore"

Its the people you least expect to care ..
who allow you to sleep better at night.

posted : 4:30 am. i have to wake up at 9 .

i just prayed beside my bed.

goodnight morning.

______________________
12.16.09

Brandon Heath has a song called "I Am Not Who I Was" . The lyrics dont really apply to me but what a beautiful title would that be for a poem... we all know that the writing comes before the title or at least most of the time for me.

Kirk Franklins- Lean on Me, is such a beautiful song.

random thoughts..

-I've realized... that this has been a battle against myself the entire time

-This holiday season has never felt more empty

-Going out does not make me forget about you. It does nothing for me in the long run. All it does is get my mind off of things for the time being but as I wake up to the real world of aches and pains, It makes me miss you more. Id rather do things that will benefit me in the long run than this short term period but I have no choice... I don't want my mind to be occupied with these thoughts. No matter how high the social life, nothing can fill this emptyness I feel.

-I'm afraid to live.

- Which way is that way ? Which way is "the" way? What way can people even go if they're at a dead end and the only direction in life is foward? What are people to do when they feel stuck?

- No words and actions could ever be enough. < I hope that's not true.

-Time doesnt heal everything. Time causes hurt to fester.

-"doing nothing and hoping that time will heal the wound, or we begin to avoid the person that we hurt unable to bear seeing the results of the pain we caused.Never fully realizing that by ignoring the situation we are only making it worse. We avoid saying I’m sorry, simply because we don’t think that an apology is good enough to make up for the harm we caused.The longer we put off apologizing the harder it becomes to do so, until at last the relationship that was once so meaningful is completely destroyed. We simply do not understand the power of an apology.

-". It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first move. "

-"A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one."

-Paul said, "Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody." Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our self-centeredness"

- a design does not always have to go by the grid . BREAKING the grid : is to : life does not always need a map.

- i've realized that only so many people take the time to think about things. I thought everyone did... no... rarely .  

You leave me in disappointment... and I'm getting used to it. I doubt that's a good thing. 

A smart girl told me ... "If there's no progress, there's no point".
And if one is making progress and the other just doesn't care too much,
is there any point?

I don't know anymore.
___________________

Silence > Spoken word

not like we didn't know that before . The Spoken word is no competition for Silence. Both are deadly... but Silence kills you quicker.
____________________

I've often wondered.. if I died tomorrow, what would people say ?
How would people feel?
Do I even exist in their worlds?
I'll never know.